hogwarts gone wild

October 27, 2004

Sirius Black
12 Grimmauld Place
London, United Kingdom
My Brain^[1]

Dear Mr. Black:

Let me preface this request by reminding you that, despite the fact the series is entitled *Harry Potter and The Plot Device of Your Choice*, and regardless of the fact that the author of the above-referenced tomes felt the need to kill in the fifth installment, on page eight hundred and six (American Verison, Hardcover), you are my favorite character.

My feelings, do not, however, give you carte blanche to behave however you wish when I am trying to write you. I can only assume this is purposeful on your part, and that you are laboring under the assupmtion my preference for you will persuade me to be indulgent where you are concerned.

If this is the case, Mr. Black, you are sorely mistaken, not to mention, acting in bad faith.

As I stated above, you are my favorite character. This does not mean that you are without faults, only that I feel your faults give you depth, and that it is your faults that make me love you.

What I do not love, however, is whingy monologues and rapid, inexplicable changes in personality from paragraph to paragraph. Just be your arrogant, boorish, borderline self, and everything will be fine.

In short, shut up and suck Harry's cock, so I can get on with the necrofic.

Your anticipated cooperation is greatly appreciated.

Up yours, and sincerely,
xylodemon.

^[1] As opposed to a Microsoft Word document, which is where you belong.

October 14, 2004

Sirius Black
AKA Padfoot
My brain
In Hell

Re: Graveyard porn

Dear Mr. Black;

Please allow me to voice my current displeasure with you. Do not think that last night's events will disuade me from informing you that you are an arse.

Since the start of my illustrious, six month porn writing career, I have written my fics from beginning to end. Contrarily, I have written the middle of the fic in question first, and that is entirely your fault.

You are more than happy to shag Harry into the ground. You are also more than happy to go into long, haunted expositions about Mr. Moony, generally with cock in hand. What you refuse to do, however, is keep your cock in your pants long enough to allow me to write a section of the story, placed *before* the shagging and exposition in question, that could pass as an intro , or beginning.

Not on, Mr. Black. Get your act together at once, or I will set my flock of carnivorous esheep on you.

Sincerely,
xylodemon.