hogwarts gone wild

What I learned over the course of my day (so far)
by xylodemon, age 30
Courtesy of my AOL inbox:

1. I have won the Nigerian lottery. Again.
   
2. Should I suddenly decide my penis is woefully inadequate, I have options. And options. And more options. And also options.

( moar )

Speaking of Patrick Wolf -- does anyone have 'Wolf Song' handy? Or 'London'? Those are the only tracks I don't have from Lycanthropy, and it's driving me a bit mad.



¹ It's not that I didn't know this. I got the memo when everyone else did. I'm just amused that CNN thinks it's newsworthy. I'm just amused that CNN thinks it's newsworthy almost a week after the fact.

I am excited. Why, you ask? Because I am writing. As in, fic.

I did stop by the latest post in news, mostly for the lulz.

Paid and permanent users have been given a coupon for a free virtual gift. I'm tempted to send LJ a bad report card, or take a page out of reddwarfer's book and give them a detention slip.

[ETA:] Oh, LJ. Deleting your v-gifts off announcements's userinfo doesn't mean we can't see them.

[ETA 2:] This comment is made of win.

To ensure this post is not a complete waste of space:

Snape by lizardspots
HP | Snape | G

Untitled by calyxess
HP | Harry/Snape | PG

Also:

Sign-ups are open at merry_smutmas.

starkiller posted a list of rarepair recs.

drusillas_rain wants comfort fic recs.

regan_v is talking about Draco.

pir8fancier is also talking about Draco, and has some things to say about POV here.

I am a shady fucking individual.

Example 1: I bought cigarettes today. Two packs. With nickels. That's right. Five-cent pieces. Unrolled.

Example 2: Despite the fact that I am almost 28 years old, I grocery shop at my parents house with impunity.

This deserves a story.

My father, old fart that he is, has several old-person maladies that the sane control with diet and exercise. My father, while sane, is stubborn and set in his ways, so he eats his cinnamon rolls and rare steak with litte concern to such trivial things as diabetes, heart disease, chronically clogged arteries, and gout.

When I arrived at my parent's house, my mother informed me that the doctor is worried once again about my father's heart, and suggested removing beef from his diet.

Twenty mintues later, I am lightening my mother's pantry and cold food storage of beef products, including but not limited to canned steak chili, two pounds of ground round, three frozen salisbury steak dinners, and two frozen country fried steak dinners.

ME: *thieves*
MOM: *clears throat*
ME: *ignores her flawlessly, while loading a can of roast beef hash into a plastic Target shopping bag*
MOM: What are you doing?
ME: Keeping my father alive.
MOM: *pause*
ME: *gameface*
MOM: *rolls eyes*

Dude.

My Esheep just mated.

Quoted from fanfic_hate:

I hate the fucking idiots who write nasty crap about Harry having sex with Dobby, Fawkes, Hagrid, Hagrid's umbrella, a giant spider, the squid from the lake, and an entire circle of Death Eaters, all in the same afternoon.

OMFG. Someone needs to write this fic.

Please. I could use a good laugh.

Please observe this masterful use of the word fuck.

In other news, this is for dracorocksmysox, may she love me forever:

There once was a man from Bristol
Who had a cock like a pistol
He brewed tea that stank
And always shot blanks
And this was just fine with Chrystal.

My life has degenerated to eating cold enchilladas out of the pan, with my fingers, while standing in the refrigerator door.

You know you want to be me.

copperbadge, on why Harry Potter is on The List of Evil Books.

7. Harry Potter (series) - J.K. Rowling
I can only assume these books are banned because they portray the big gay love of a werewolf and an ex-convict. Or a werewolf and a potions professor, if you prefer. Or a young scarheaded student and either a) his ginger-haired gangling best friend or b) his blond archnemesis or c) his fumbling but adorable dormitory mate who owns a toad.